Last night was my first headlining show as a comedian. I was nervous as hell.

I’m always nervous, not just about whether my shows will go well, I mean all the time. Right now for instance- nervous. It’s just how I am. But the idea that I had to get up and do 45 minutes of comedy made me exceptionally nervous.

After rigorous practice I had the first twenty minutes and the last five minutes down cold, but I wasn’t as comfortable with the middle. But because we got a late start and because we had to clear out in time for karaoke I only did about thirty-five minutes. If I felt better about my full set I would probably have been pissed off, or just refused to get off stage until I was finished, but believe me, the thirty-or-so minutes I did do were better than the forty-five I would have done otherwise.

I was going to shoot the show, but the lighting didn’t allow for it. I did get audio though, which I have yet to listen to out of fear that I won’t hear anyone laughing.

The opening acts were my friends Jeremy Onorato and Brandon Strohl, both did well and I’m actually going to be opening for Brandon at the same venue in early March. My set for that night will be thirty minutes, and now that I know I can do thirty minutes comfortably, I’d be willing to bet I do much better that night than last night. You’ll have to come to the show and see.

In the post-show write-up the show’s promoter, Gary Stewart, said that of the three comedians I was “the most polished.” Probably because I was wearing a bow tie. Bow tie = Polished. But I was impressed to see Brandon Strohl in a sweater vest.

I’ll close on this. I know a lot of people couldn’t make it to the show last night for a lot of different reasons, but to those of you who didn’t come because the show was at a gay bar: Smarten the fuck up.

I’ve been really fortunate since I’ve started doing stand up in that I have yet to really die on stage.

Last night I went to an open mic at the Tally Ho in Allentown that was populated entirely by other comics. They had each drawn one anothers’ names and did impressions of each other, but I’ve only met a few of them in the short time I’ve done this, so I wasn’t involved in that. To still keep with the spirit I did do a few jokes about my friend Jeremy before my regular set. Both went over really well.

Then everyone was taking turns going up again, so I did too, but I did it with the jokes I was either working on or wasn’t sure about so my second set last night was a trainwreck, but I was sort of expecting it since I was going up with my B-list. So even though I bombed I didn’t feel that bad about it.

Tonight I performed at the Wardell and after two weeks of people telling me I rely too much on my notes I went up without them, and blanked– which is why I bring my notes. I did about half my set and spent the rest of the time trying to remember my jokes. So while admittedly I should have just prepared more I will be bringing a set list with me for at least the near future, but I will also be trying to not look at it. I was also terribly uncomfortable because I was without tie and jacket and felt like a slob since I rushed down to the bar after doggie school with Elvis. It’s remarkable how much more comfortable I feel in uniform than out of it. I’ve said it before, but it really is just a nicely matched security blanket.

I didn’t record tonight, and while I did record my second set from last night I will not be posting it. Not just because it’s not very funny, but also because the audio quality is worse because I kept pulling away from the mic and had to compete over a jukebox.

I make my New York comedy debut this Sunday at Lilly Coogan’s at 8pm, so I plan on preparing the shit out of a solid 5 minute set. I’ll bring a set list up but will hopefully not need it. Wish me luck, or better yet just come out and see the show.

I’ll be performing at the open mic at the Tally Ho in Bethlehem tonight at 8 as will several other very funny comedians. Come on out.

Last night I performed at Stooges in Allentown, and if you didn’t know that already than I’m a terrible self-promoter. The audience was pretty small and we were competing with the Giants fans in the next room, but the folks who were there to see the comics seemed to be having a good time, and the other comics all had nice stuff to say to me afterward which is always appreciated.

I did a new joke about how about one of my career goals is to have someone who thinks I’m funny buy me a beer, and sure enough a guy in the crowd obliged and set me up with a Yuengling. This is the closest I’ve come to being paid to do stand up. So thank you, sir, you truly made my night. You can hear him on the video shouting about his need to buy me a beer. And actually Jeremy bought me two beers because he owed me $5 and Bill Tickle bought me my last one because he loves me and because I told the waiter to put it on his check. (Love you, daddy)

The guy who introduces me on the video, the very funny Randy Tonge, told me I did well but that I have to either speak louder or bring the mic closer to my mouth. I really can’t speak louder, and the idea of having a mic other people were using that close to my mouth grosses me out, so I’ll have to find a way to meet in the middle. Having watched the video several times now I realize I truly am a mumbling monotone bafoon, but at least my jokes (most of them) are funny.

Lastly, at open mics comics are usually given 5 minutes, which I guess is the standard. I knew at Stooges it said you get 5-7 minutes. I’m assumed it’s 5 if you’re not doing so well and 7 if you’re killing. But it could also have just a more relaxed format, especially since there were only- I think- seven comics that night. I did 9 minutes. I’m not bragging, because it’s way more likely that since there were so few comics they didn’t mind someone going long or most likely of all- that Randy was standing in the back waving his cell phone (his sign for “get the hell off stage”) and I just didn’t see him because in my nervousness I tend to look at the floor more than the crowd. When I say “That’s my time” at the end of the video I really meant “I have no more jokes written on this piece of paper I keep looking at” But thanks for not dragging me off with a hook or ringing a gong.

Next confirmed show is Sunday night at Bethlehem Brew Works at 8:30. I’ll try to make it to The Wardell again on Wednesday, but my dog has obedience school that night, so I have to come late. Last week they were cool about it but it might just be because THERE WAS NO AUDIENCE AT ALL because of the Phillies game everyone was at home or at a more sports-themed establishment. The three other people there (all comics)were nice enough to let me get on stage and try out some jokes on them, but hopefully if I go again this time there will be more people.

So thanks again to my wife and father for coming out. That guy for buying me a beer. And everyone for laughing at me and telling me I was funny.

In fifth grade my class had a talent show. I remember signing up to do stand up comedy. I don’t remember actually doing it, or even if the talent show happened or if I was there at all. I just remember signing up for it. Since I can remember I’ve liked stand up and watching people perform. I remember once when I was still pretty young my father caught me watching a comedian on TV, and although I was sure I was going to get in trouble he just told me that if the comedians I was watching ever started talking about something inappropriate I should change the channel. Of course I didn’t, and it just made guys like Dave Attell seem like geniuses. So I may have tried to do stand up once as a kid, but if I did I don’t remember it. At least I signed up.

Years later in college while I was interning in New York City I stopped by Caroline’s once on their open mic night and bombed terrifically. I was truly awful. I hadn’t had anything prepared and in my youthful brilliance just assumed I could wing it and be hilarious. I don’t remember a word of what I said, just that no one laughed and I felt horribly depressed afterward (and before hand). I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it, because I knew that completely bombing was a very real possibility, so if I was going to suck I at least wanted to suck in front of strangers. Even years later I’m glad no one I know was there to see it.

Two weeks ago my friend Jeremy told me he was going to be performing at The Bethlehem Brew Works on their open mic night. I was really excited to find out that there even was an open mic night nearby. Mostly because I hadn’t gone to see live stand up since I was in college. I was also kind of pumped about seeing Jeremy.

Jeremy and I grew up together. He was a few years older than me, just enough to constantly be a bad influence, and we did things like throw empty trash cans at each other, play in a giant sewer pipe in the ditch behind his house, and on one notable occasion we took a condom (unused, to be clear) we found in his house, rolled it onto his next door neighbor’s mail box flag, drew a face on it and wrote “Always swim with a buddy” on the back. The best part was when his neighbor knocked on his door with the condom over her finger like a sex-ed demonstration and explained to his mother what happened while he and I fell over ourselves laughing in the background. Jeremy was made for comedy.

When I went to see Jeremy perform the first time I didn’t think I could fill a full five minutes, which is the amount of time you have at an open mic, so I didn’t sign myself up. The other reason was that I brought my lovely wife Steph with me, and if I was going to perform I didn’t want her there in case I bombed. Also because she told me that if I do perform stand up I can’t tell jokes about her when she’s in the audience. I know most people would probably want their spouse there for support, but I was more worried about tanking my set and having her lose what little respect she still has for me.

So last Sunday when I went to see Jeremy perform again, I went alone. With minimal prompting Jeremy had gotten me to promise him I’d sign up and I did. My wife knew I was going to see Jeremy perform, and I had mentioned that I might eventually sign up myself, but didn’t tell her or anyone else until about an hour before I went on. By the same logic of my suicide attempt at Caronline’s so many years ago, I didn’t want anyone there to see me bomb. Sure, Jeremy was there, but he bombed the first night I came to see him so we’d be even.

Similar to my first experience at Caroline’s I remember very little from the time I got on stage to the time I got off. What was completely different was that people were laughing- a lot. By all accounts I killed it. The host, other comics, and folks in the audience were telling me I did really well after my set. I had planned on recording it but it slipped my mind because I was nervous as hell before I went up.

I wanted to record it for a few reasons. The first was practical. I wanted to be able to watch it and see what jokes, if any, got a response and how I handled myself on stage. Secondly, if I bombed I wanted to have it on video so that next time I feel really depressed I can watch it on a loop to feed my shame-spiral. Lastly, and least likely to happen, I wanted to record it because in the event that I did well I wanted proof and being the self-promoting whore that I am would have immediately put the video up here for your enjoyment.

I didn’t record my set, but Jeremy went on after me and I was lucid enough to record his five minutes. For some reason the first bit is missing, but the rest of it is funny and a remarkable step up from when I first saw him two weeks ago, which was by all accounts a train wreck. Even though his act was a lot better this time around, sometimes it’s just funnier to watch your friends bomb.

Since my set was not a depressing failure I will be doing it again, and soon. Dates and times and such will be provided as the come up. And if you know of any open mic scenes in the greater Phillipsburg are please let me know. There’s one at the Wardell (formerly The Box Car) where I used to play poker every week, but it’s on Wednesday night when Elvis has doggie-school so I’ll have to skip that one for the next few weeks.

So I’d like to thank Jeremy, the other comics from Sunday night, the folks who laughed, and anyone who is willing to come out in the future. I’ll leave this on a quote from Jeremy after we caught up two weeks ago.

“We’ve come a long way from the sewers we used to play in.”