Cooking With Amelia Episode One: “Cheese Crackers”

Cooking With Amelia Episode One: “Cheese Crackers”

Introducing Cooking With Amelia! Last night I was reading the September issue of Highlights High Five magazine to my darling daughter, and we came across a cheese cracker recipe. Amelia loves crackers, so she wanted to make them. I love Amelia, so we did.

Amelia is two and a half, so she’s helped out a little bit in the kitchen before, but this is her most ambitious cooking project to date.

The challenge of cooking with a toddler is trying to let them do as much of the work as possible without destroying your kitchen.

I’m happy to say the crackers came out really well. They were a little spicy, so if you actually make this recipe dial back the pepper a little bit. Or add more. I’m not here to tell you how to live your life. The step where you have to let the dough rest for a day seems pretty unnecessary.  We didn’t make the other half yet, but unless they’re way better than the ones we made without letting them rest you can probably just skip it.

And yes, we really did watch the 1998 Woody Allen CGI insect classic Antz when the crackers were ready. Amelia is really into this movie. I have no idea why.

Oh, and I’m wearing a bow in my hair because Amelia did my hair for the shoot and she told me it looked beautiful.

Things That I, a 32-Year-Old Adult Man, Have Called My Dog Who Is Named Elvis Costello

Elvis reflection

This is my dog, Elvis Costello. He is named that because when we adopted him he was named “Elvis” but it was after Presley, and I’m not really a fan of Elvis Presley. I wanted to change his name, but he was already three years old when we got him, and people told me changing his name would confuse him, so I just changed which Elvis he was named after.

His new name makes more sense because he is an English Pointer, and not a “Hound Dog” as whoever named him original apparently thought. The downside is that now people tell me they liked my dog better when he was young and angry*.

Although my dog has a name (his name is Elvis Costello) I do not always call him by his name (which is Elvis Costello), but rather by an increasingly long list of bizarre nicknames and nonsense phrases. Here are some of the things that I, a 32-year-old adult man, have called my dog who is named Elvis Costello. (Also a bunch of pictures of him because he’s my handsome little man.)

Elvis Costello
Elvis Costello Tickle (Usually when he is in trouble.)
Mr. Elvis

Elvis on the Hammock

Mr. Face
Facey Face
Mr. Pants
Garbage Monster (Typically when I catch him eating garbage)
Mr. Man
Daddy’s Special Little Boy

Elvis Checkup

Joe Biden
Sweety Sweet
Widdle Kissy Face
Dumb Dumb

Elvis fireplace

Best Buddy
Best Guy
Best Buy Parking Lot (This week, on Serial)

Elvis and Amelia

Fart Monster (When he farts.)
Stink Monster (Same as above.)
Farts McGee
Handsome Pants
Cool Cool Dude

Elvis lazy

Squish Face
Floppy Face
Mr. Floppy Lips

Elvis and Wicket

Daddy’s Little Champion
Old Grandpa Man
The Worst (This is when he barks at nothing when the baby is sleeping.)
Sleepy Face Boy
Widdle Widdle Sweepy

Elvis sleeping

Baby Man
Widdle Baby Boy
Scaredy Facey Face
Thunder Baby

*I have told this joke on stage many times in the years I’ve been performing comedy. It has gotten a laugh from the audience exactly three times. I stand by the strength of the joke. (A common criticism of Elvis Costello the musician is that people prefer his earlier, angrier work.)

My LoochCrate Unboxing Video

My LoochCrate Unboxing Video

My friend Looch recently cleaned his basement and put out the offer that he would send one limited edition (1 of 1) “LoochCrate” full of things he was getting rid of to someone on the condition that they agree to make an unboxing video.

I agreed on the condition that I only had to make a video and not help him clean his basement. I won’t even clean my own basement, let alone someone else’s. (This is partially because my house does not have a basement, but it is mostly because I am incredibly lazy. And messy. Am I right, ladies? Oh, and in this case “ladies” refers specifically to my wife, daughter, mother, and mother-in-law who are all ladies who will attest to how messy and lazy I am.)

Last Friday I got the box in the mail and had my daughter Amelia assist me in unboxing the LoochCrate (It’s like LootCrate, get it!?). I had an issue with the original file, so we had to box everything up and do it a second time, but the only major difference between the first and second take are that in the video above, Amelia is mostly ignoring what was going on to play with a Minion and a pencil, but in the original she was mostly ignoring what was going on to eat Cheerios.

Anyway. This was a fun thing to do. I do not have a basement, but I have an office, and it should be cleaned. So — I will volunteer to curate the next LoochCrate, and send it to one of my friends on the condition that they agree to make an unboxing video.

It will be comprised of NOT ENTIRELY garbage. Looch actually sent some neat stuff, so  I will too. I have some neat things I could do without. I also have like, a truly bananas number of rubber bands that filled one of the drawers of the desk in my office. They were in there when I picked the desk up in a Craigslist deal.

Rubber bands are useful. They can also blow your mind so high it won’t come down.

The Spinners are great.

Vote for Me in the COZI TV Comedy Search! I’m Desperate for Public Approval!

Hey, Internet!

I am one of 10 finalists in the COZI TV Comedy Search, and I need people to vote for me every day until June 25th if I’m going to win this thing.

Vote Here

The top four comics after voting will be submitting another video, and a panel of some pretty great comedy judges will pick the winner. The winner (me, hopefully) will get to go and perform at the Lucille Ball Comedy Festival next month, which would be really great. There’s also a chance to get on COZI TV, and there’s some prize money.

I’m going to be posting updates and reminders every day until June 25th when voting ends, but I don’t want people to get sick of hearing about it, so I’m trying to make the updates fun and entertaining.

Here are the first few:

A video posted by Glen Tickle (@glentickle) on

Remember, you can vote every day until June 25th, and I desperately crave public approval.